Monday, January 11, 2010

Little Miss Lonely Heart

I never did eat those chocolate covered bananas. Too messy, too sticky, too much really. That was all the way back in October and I was beginning to think that maybe my man fast had gone on too long. It's good to take some time and reevaluate (or in my case, write down every sexual experience I've ever had, acknowledge where I've been selfish, dishonest, or caused harm, and read it all aloud to someone else while they make comments and laugh at my expense, all through the good of AA) but there comes a point, babies, where you have to get back in the game.
[Back in the game? I deplore sports metaphors, I'm more than likely to mix them up. Let's give it the old college try! Time to knock that ball through the field posts and try not to get fouled and end up in the box! You can't get a touchdown if you try to steal third! Let's bogey this sumbitch and take 'er home! Match, set, love, where's the motherfucking ball boy? Why am I the one who always gets drenched with Gatorade?]
ahem.... Back in the saddle. [Better. Now I feel like a cowgirl.]
I realized last night at my meeting that I may be the only female in my homegroup (which is large) that has gotten through two years of sobriety without sleeping with anyone else in AA. Even very old women with white hair who spend their hour knitting and nodding and speak in shaky voices full of wisdom and experience are out there getting more action than I am. I see the way they look at the gentlemen! It's like a goddamn sober sex party and I was invited but decided instead to wash my hair. Now I am seen as this font of self control and piety, when really I'm just clueless and awkward, like I've been my entire life. Not that I want to sleep with recovering alcoholics, those people are cra-zy. Besides, whenever I find myself attracted to anyone from AA I find that he lives at the shelter or he just got out of jail. I don't judge! I'm just sayin'.
Very recently I decided to take a man up on his offer of love and found myself alone and wearing foolish nightclothes. It is a very chilly thing to wake up in an empty bed in silky bits expecting company. He said all the right things, but there was no follow through. It feels like lies when there is no action to back the words up, and makes me feel like a back-up plan for if the night gets lonely. It made me angry. I love words, I have words, I have all the words I need.

[my love is like a tempest tossed
the sparrows up against the wall...]

[if tender feet I do not have to place inside my lover's palms
then I will have the poetry, I will have the words and songs]

I am hesitant to write in all seriousness about love because it is an embarrassing and private thing, unless you are in love and then the world loves with you and smiles on your shining face. And there are those who will say I had my chance, that love was there for the taking and I walked away. But love for me, like anything because I am too sensitive, is hard and tricky. I want it to be right. I can't be easy, I am not easy, and it is not a comfortable thing to be this skittish, this sober, this self conscious all the time. I envy those girls who have three-ways in cars and end up sleeping in fireplaces (that actually happened to a girl I know. slut.). Not the experience itself, a three-way in a car strikes me as decidedly uncomfortable, but the ease and laughter that goes with it, the shrug of shoulders and wicked smile- that I envy.
There's a Jamaican man I knew who used to say "Don't fatten a fish for another man to eat", meaning don't wind your girl up and leave her wanting, she'll satisfy herself somewhere else. Or maybe it doesn't mean that, he also used to say "You know what time it 'tis" and I would smile, desperately hoping that I at least looked like I did indeed know what time it 'twas. Anyway, I feel like a fattened fish that grows cold on a plate.
I yearn for sweetness, for ease, for warmth. I was self contained before but now, woken up I am needful. A need without fulfillment is no fun and not funny. I feel useless and at a loss as how to find what I want, which is strange for me. Alone is not lonely until you don't want it anymore.
A few weeks ago I picked flowers and cleaned my house in anticipation of company. Perhaps he thought that my house is always so shining, that I always keep a jar of camellias and eucalyptus by my bed. Or perhaps he did not care. This week I cleaned my house again and washed the clothes and made the house smell like lemons. Before the freeze I went out and picked camellias, arm loads of creamy perfection so lovely they seemed edible like they were made of fondant, and rosemary, and lavender. Now though it is so cold outside and all the flowers have fallen from the bushes and the sky is so blue and thin it looks like it might crack with the effort, I have a garden inside. For me and me alone and for my eyes to rest on something beautiful and gentle when I wake up. Though I love them, the flower's faces are so pretty, the gesture now seems as empty as the sky.
I was more content when I was all so self contained, but I don't want that contentment back. It's alright to yearn in winter. And be fragile. And crave warmth. Things happen in their own time. I may as well crave spring, and I do, but I think this longing in me has made me more whole. I feel more tender toward myself and toward others. I fell asleep last night thinking of Mwa and Danielle and Jo, thinking of the snow of Europe. I heard on the BBC that people in the Netherlands and in Germany were being advised to stay indoors because it is so dangerously cold. I worried about them, about you my friends. Do you have enough to eat? Do you have warm blankets and wool socks? And so perhaps this softening, this need is not useless after all. When one is hard and self contained there is no room for others to get inside. I want to let this softening happen, and not try to be so tough.
Which I think, perhaps, is finally the point of this post. I am afraid to open myself up and say I am tender, I am soft, I have a happysadness, because that is not cool or smart, and there is no protection there. But what do I have to protect? I am not so cool and smart, I am just a girl. I like flowers, I like poetry, I like the words "kiss" and "touch" and "pink". Perhaps I am coming into who I am again, and this time soft and on cat feet. If one is lonely, one must let others in. So simple and so frightening.
I started out this post meaning to be funny, and I end up so timid and serious. Perhaps this is why I don't write so often. I am in awe of those of you who write so well about your feelings, whose words are their honest hearts. I am going to end this here, where there is no ending, so I can go to the library and go to the grocery store and cook the food and go to work, but I am going to post it anyway, neatly done or not. To post and hope that I will write more, I will be a part of your brave circle. I hope you all are warm today. When I come home tonight I'll read your words and worry about you and smile with you and we will all crave spring, and that will take the edge off my foolish little loneliness.


Steph(anie) said...

Yes and yes again. The letting-in of others is so hard. And sometimes when you try it and are reminded that it is risky and can hurt it can make it even harder. I'm talking about myself now... but I think it is universal too.

My dad is to men as Lori is to friends. I've been cut deeply and the healing hurts more than the initial wound.

Glimmer said...

Burn white candles, all sizes, in your windowsills (blow them out before bedtime, of course). Make sure to sit in the window seats when you can, when you go out.

He's out there. And he's looking for you, everywhere.

Mary said...

Amazing Woman! Thank you for sharing this very intimate picture of your heart's yearning (and your body's, too!)

I was married for far too long to a man who did not appreciate me, who yelled at me, who told me (if you can even believe it) that I "put too much emphasis on sex". Having left his Sorry Ass and found love and sex and connection with my wife, Nancy, I am thrilled, content, I still yearn, but now (luckily, I recognize), for the warmth and coziness of our shared bed.

I still beat myself up sometimes for having stayed so long, thinking he would change, thinking he's want to sleep in the same bed or fuck me or (and he would NOT) let me experience pleasure by his hands but he got TOO TIRED. I am working hard to forgive myself, having seen in time that I deserved happiness and love.

Anyways I am rambling but it's all in order to say to you that this woman HEARS what you are saying, both in words and between the lines.

I am warm, I yearn for the green of spring.


Mel said...

May, we're warm here, thank you, hope you are too. You are so brave for just putting your heart to words, and glimmer is right, he's out there, he wants you, he just hasn't found you yet. And it's hard to know who's right, it's hard enough to know ourselves sometimes.

I was making soup, crying into the vegetables, happy for the onions as an excuse, remembering the sad book I just read, listening to kd lang sing helpless and feeling so oddly melancholy. I know I'm lucky, I have a teeny tiny family who loves me, but I feel like having them only means worry for losing them. Or its so easy to get caught up in the day to day we forget to be loving or forget who we are. Or something like that. Anyway, I blew my nose and sat down at the internet for a diversion and your post is the first I read, and I couldn't not cry. You are such an amazing, caring, honest person. I listened to more kd and read real slow, feeling how hard it must be for you to lay things bare, knowing you deserve more. I wish I had answers, or the classifieds for deserving dates to share with you. There are good guys out there, I believe that. People just get stuck in the wrong places or make a wrong turn for a bit. It's smart of you to be discerning at AA, though, as you deserve someone to lift you up, baggage-free. Good luck dear. Keep talking to us, and yourself, it should help keep the crazy at bay. At least it does for me.

Look at the bottom of my page, there's music there, if you like. Ryan Adams Two makes me think of your post. Reading your words to bittersweet music is even more moving. And when you're done with the sad songs, let Lyle sing to you about bears :)

Kori said...

Well. To be the dissenter...those people OUTSIDE of AA tend to have shitload more baggage than those of us in the rooms. At least if they are working ANY kind of a program; the only peopel who think we are all so fucked up we don't deserve to live, much less love and be happy and BE loved, are people who have no fucking idea what it is like. Oh. Ooops, i think I brought my own issues into your blog post. sorry.

That said, all of the kind and comforting words, well, they are gone, if they were ever there. I won't tell you to be patient, it takes time, blah fuckety blah, because I HATED it when people-usually happily married or partnered people-said that to me. I just send you thoughts of peace and clarity and yes, willingness.

Bibliomama said...

Are you really not too good in a fight? Because it seems like I'd want you on my side.

My words are not my honest hearts. My words are smart-ass armour that I throw up to distract everyone from the gooey mess inside. You have this big fight that you have to fight every day before you can get to the basic business of living. That's brave. And I like your dark-framed glasses and Frida Kahlo hair (although I think foregoing the unibrow is probably the right way to go). :)

Ms. Moon said...

Oh May. This makes me happy somehow. I see your face in a Pink Perfection, your softening heart, your opening soul. You have proved you can take care of yourself, over and over and over again. You have proved that you do not need to take care of fellows who are not willing to take care of themselves or you either. This makes me feel happy. You make me feel happy. You are the funniest girl- so self-possessed, so able-minded and able-bodied. So quick and so smart, so pretty and so good. So tender and SUCH A GOOD COOK! But evil when you need to be. You and I are like one mind in our evilness. It's the good kind of evil.
And you have all of that and yes, there is a man who is searching everywhere for you. He will find you and you will find him and he will remind you of someone you've always known. He will remind you of a dream you didn't know you've had. He will be tender with your tenderness, he will be open with your openness, he will be amazed at the you that he finds.
He may or may not have words. Doesn't matter. Words are cheap, though they can be so pretty, like something you can buy in the cosmetics aisle at the drugstore. You need and you deserve the acts that make the words unnecessary. But maybe he will have enough to leave you on post-it notes.
And he will bring you pots of camellias to plant in the ground and there will be ground to plant them in.
I wish all of this for you and more.
You know that.
I love you.

Mwa said...

May, you lovely lovely person. I came into myself a few years ago (and am still shedding my cocoon) and it is so painful, but so very worth it.

Thank you for thinking of us. We do have plenty to eat, and cotton socks, but slippers to put around them. And the snow is NOTHING here compared to some Northern bits of the US or Canada. We can still drive everywhere. And walk. I think it may be colder where you are just now. So no need to worry at all.

You and your writing are beautiful. x

Jo said...

Good lord, cowgirl.

I can't even make it to the end of the last para without rushing to comment.

You too have had your freeze, and the thaw comes slow and hesitant, with pin and tingling when the warmth rushes back in.

And as to your expression of yourself, I bow down before you, I really do. Please write more?

I think the answer is in being open,more than looking. And being ever so very brave. It's so scary! A friend of mine is finally in a 'relationship', in herearly thirties, after years of drunken one night stands, and it's so hard for her, so confrontational, and she's so sure she's not good enough, all vulnerable and naked as she feels. But she's learning, how great she is, and things are going from strength to strength.

But, yes, there is someone there, somewhere... it's ok to wait. Just... don't be so scared you shut the door by accident.

Godspeed you, questing maiden :)

Jo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Danielle said...

ah are so much your mothers daughter..wonderfull post..wonderfull words...more singing and shining pearls then words...the first of your posts which i read was all funny and entertaining..but the more you show the soft and pink inside of this shell the more i see how wonderfull u work with the honest the naked and s´the serious words flowing from the heart...

and dont be ashamed...its wonderful what you do and think

your post reminded me so much on a poem by a poet i love and cherish a lot...from the 14th centery if i rember right...i hope you dont mind me posting the whole thing in here

In my hallucination
I saw my beloved's flower garden
In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence
I was there in the beginning
And I was the spirit of love
Now I am sober
There is only the hangover
And the memory of love
And only the sorrow

I yearn for happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy
And my love says:

Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too
I am your flower garden and your water too
I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns

..and all of us have those soft spots..even the ones of us with all the three way in cars and all..we are vulnerable too..we have all the wild and exiting sex..but in the end of the day we curl up in poetry and whiskey glasses..searching love down on the bottom of every for love and try to be lovable...

again..that wonderfull..cut me open..i m bleeding too....

SJ said...

Good god...lonely just seems to be my theme for the week! And since we are twins separated at birth, naturally, you're right there with me. Me and Kori keep writing emails about how lonely I am, and did you read my last blog? Yep, you guessed what it's about.

Sigh. It will pass for us both. It sounds like your heart is getting ready for something wonderful! I hope so, I do.

Petit fleur said...

Dear May,

I hate that you have the blues in winter. And let me say, that any man that would fatten you up and leave you on a plate needs his head examined and a steal toed army boot up his ass!

Please come out and visit us anytime you want...Harley will keep you in stitches! Or meet us at the park... Oh, and play Lis's CD, it's glorious and soothing. (I know you weren't asking for suggestions, but I the codependent from hell. It's how we show our love.:-p

I know you are another kind of lonely, but we sure do love you and would be so tickled to spend time with you anytime at all.
Big warm snuggly hugs,
xo pf

tanya said...

you are truly lovely.

Elizabeth said...

Much to my wondering eyes should appear -- a tiny, lonely girl writing another post! Yay! So glad you're still at it.

I'm sorry you're lonely. I have nothing to say that won't sound like cliche and something that an old lady might think.

A good friend of mine says that there's a mate for everyone out there. That means you.

May said...

Steph(anie)- Sweetness, I love that you can find something of yourself in what I write. And you are so right, the healing DOES hurt worse than the wound. Sometimes you don't even know that you've hurt yourself until you look down and see the blood. So funny and yet so apt that the body and mind and heart are the same in that way.

Glimmer-Thank you for reminding me to burn some candles, there was a time I always had a candle going and I haven't in a long time.
I don't know if someone is out there looking for me, but that is okay. I'd like to think so, and when I read your comment I got a shiver. Thank you.

Mary- I am so glad that you've found love. Not just love, but love with someone who seems to appreciate you. You do deserve happiness and love! We all do. It sounds like you put in your time, and I hope that total self forgiveness comes to you because we can't blame our younger selves for all their mistakes. Our younger selves did not know what we know now. I have to remind myself of that often. Thank you for reading and sharing. Hugs back atchya!

Mel- I'm glad your warm! And it's so funny, I was crying into soup just the other day and being thankful for the onions. Sometimes it just feels so damn good to cry. I'll check out the music on your blog, I love music but I'm lazy about it (I listen to the same things over and over again) and I love it when people introduce me to new things. Music is a healing thing.

Kori- I adore you. You are absolutely right. That stuff about AA people being crazy was pot-calling-the-kettle-black humor. I feel more sane and serene when I'm in the rooms than anywhere else. I was just telling a coworker last night that I am so grateful to have a place to go where I can speak or not, I can always listen, and there is no judgment. Most people don't have that in their lives, we are lucky. And thank you for leaving out the platitudes because really? I hate it too. Do you ever censor yourself from speaking about your feelings because you KNOW you just need to be patient and you KNOW that this too shall pass and you just don't want to hear it again? I'm glad your out there, Kori, I really am.

Bibliomama- It's true! I am no good in a fight! I'll be on your side though, maybe they'll be so distracted knocking me down that you can make a clean getaway. I could bite some ankles.
I think smart-ass armor is necessary sometimes. I admire people who have it. We all need a few walls, we can't go spilling out all the time. And thanks for liking my look, that made me smile. Not everyone appreciates severe hair and glasses.

Mama Ms.Moon- You you you, I love you so much. That was the most beautiful love note, Mama. I'm all teary eyed and happy. I am so lucky to have a Mama who is not only beautiful and wise, but who always has faith in me, and who is my dearest friend. I love you heart and soul.

Mwa- I am so glad it's not too cold there. You and your family are so special to me, you just touch me so. I too wear cotton socks with slippers! Wool socks are really too itchy and sweaty. Thank you for reading and commenting, it means so much to me to see you here.

Jo- I like the way you said "strength to strength". It is scary to be soft! So naked and vulnerable, you are right. It's good that your friend has you as she goes through this time. I'm happy for her. Thank you for coming by!

Danielle- I'm so glad that you gave me that poem, it is beautiful. I like how you are a whole person, how there are no contradictions in your soft and your sharp, how you have poetry and sex and tender heart and broken heart and a well placed fuck now and again. That to me is a whole person, because we are none of us one thing or another, and sass and spit live in us alongside sweet slow smiles. I am so glad that I am meeting you.

May said...

SJ- Oh SJ! I am sorry you are lonely too! Loneliness is cruel, and I am her bitch. Let's be lonely together. No, wait, if you and I really are connected perhaps if one of us finds the answers the other will too. I'll heal for you, and you work on it for me, and perhaps we will rise.

Petit Fleur- Harley IS hilarious! It made me so happy to hear/watch him sing The Twelve Days of Christmas last time I saw you guys. It makes me happy just to think about it. And you're right about Lis' cd, I think I'll put that on right now. Thanks for the warm snuggly hugs, they are always appreciated.

Tanya- So sweet. Thank you.

Elizabeth- I know, right? Two posts in one week! Crazy! I'm trying.
I don't know how old you actually are, but feel free to say anything. Advice from old ladies is generally the best. Here's hoping your friend is right!

deb said...

May I say that your writing is stunning.
And as an older in love and loved mamma, I won't lean into the huggy it will be all right soon stuff.
But does it sound to trite to say that perhaps the right person will be noticed now that your are seeing with those softer eyes?

thank you for trusting the readers enough to share with such honesty .

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You astound me every time. You are beautiful and special and dear, and I love you so.

You are also one hell of a writer.


Tiff said...

You write so goddamn well. And maybe you don't realize it...but your posts come across so open, so honest, so chock full of feelings.

Jo said...

Ms May, I think you just may be a white witch. Do you know it yet? Cast some spells!

Bethany said...

I can't really explain right how beautiful and wonderful and sweet this post was.
You do funny great, of course, but you do soulful, serious, heartfelt, real, perfect.
Thanks for writing this.

May said...

deb- Thank you for coming by and commenting! Perhaps softer eyes see softer things. You may be right.

May said...

If I only pleased you, that would make me happy. I love you so so so so so much.

May said...

Tiff- Isn't it funny how hard it is to be honest? To try to put voice to your feelings, and then you close up and the feelings don't seem so cut and dry and perhaps it's better to just leave them alone in the end. Thank you for saying that, it is a difficult thing. And thank you for reading, I always feel good when I see your pretty little picture.

May said...

Jo- Hmmm. I've been called a white witch before, but I don't think the second word started with a "w". But seriously, I stay away from such things, it's better for me and the magical realm.

Anonymous said...

damn! you have a keen ability to put to words things that normally are best as thoughts.
The best blues musicians aren't successful in love, but I imagine your writing will still be good.

Surely I've mentioned how many friends of mine get gooey-eyed when your name is spoken; all of whom would trade in their bikes/cars/shoes for a white horse.

But they'd be weird about a 3-way on the horse; uhh...I don't know how to clarify that last statement. Nevermind.

May said...

Magnum- I have a friend who had a sex dream about Bruce Springsteen on a horse. That is a three-way I could get behind, if you know what I mean. Aside from that, there will be no three-ways here! I come from a big family, I can share if I have to, but I don't like it.

Anonymous said...

I had an adopted family(don't know how it came to be, but they were a second family) that was big and when we ate dinner at there house, it was around a huge round table with a giant lazy-susan in the middle. There were strict rules about the lazy-susan and sharing was definitely a legislated concept around there.

Allegra Smith said...

Well, here is advice from an old lady, (I am not sure about the lady part but I give you my word about the old part): stay as you are.

Healing is painful but not as painful as not healing. Open wounds have a bad tendency to fester and infects everything around them. When an old wound heals all is left is a scar, and we usually notice it only when we either touch it or see it.

You will be fine if you stay as your are. Along the way without even knowing it you will find what your heart yearns for. It is when we stop looking that often we find what we spent hours looking for in the mundane sense. I know to be true that the same can be said of love. My Mother taught me that true friends are like blood, they come to the wound without having to be called. I think the same is how happens with love. It just comes to you, not because you are wounded but because you are ready.

The Fates know, and they look after the tenderest of hearts once the pain lessons are learned, and then when love comes a'calling, you will hear something in the breeze and you will know. Trust me on this, you will know. I wish this for you with much love.

May said...

Allegra- Your words and advice touch me so. I hope that it is as you say, because I may have no choice but to stay as I am. I'm not good at prowling, and I never find anything when I try. I spent a long time trying to figure out who I am and what I am and it's just been within this past year that I realized that this is it, I am me. In my everyday life, in my laugh at jokes, in my quiet fears, I am being me and that's all I can do. So, if I find a sweet and true love, that would be nice, but if I don't, I can still love and be loved by those I have. It's simple, and hard, like life.
Thank you for reading and commenting. Your words, either here or at Beading Stars, stay with me.
much love,