Thursday, February 4, 2010

She Works Hard For the Money

I'm not feeling well, chickies. I'm on day three of an eight day stretch at work and already my arches ache and my toes burn, and I feel like I'm coming down with something. Nothing too bad, I can't hear and my face hurts, but as far as colds go- this ain't nothing. The girls (my wee pretty sisters) and I went and cashed in our Christmas mani/pedi gift cards today (Thanks, Mama!) so the feet are slightly more attractive and feel a little better. I love a pedicure. I always feel like an ugly man going to a whore when I go get one, because generally my feet are just those things I bang the ground with, but the ladies there touch them gently with their very own hands and speak softly in Vietnamese.
Soon I will be flying all the way across the country to visit my best friend who is not related to me by blood, and the thought of that is enough to get me to straighten my weary shoulders and put my squash blossom nose to the grindstone. A week off on hourly wage is a quarter of my monthly gone, but a week to see his face again and find my girl side and serve no man- I'll work every minute till then for that and grin like a gator while I do it.
Normally when I get sick I reach for the comfort foods, those foods that have a maximum of salt, fat, and sugar per gram of white flour (and if you know me you know this is not how I eat). Yes the macaroni and cheese, yes the cereal and milk, yes and yes again to the m&ms mixed in a bowl with roasted nuts and mini bagel chips! Cookies! Butter! Buttered cookies I shit you not, somehow it's all good when one is puny and there is a weight on the chest. I have no time for delicious excesses now, I have shifts to work. Eight days on, two days off, a double, a shift, a double on Valentine's Day. Ahem. A VD double. Son. of. a. bitch.
So soup is simmering, like it should. It has pumpkin, carrots, celery, onions, oh so much garlic, roasted tomatoes, red bell peppers (no, I won't be making this soup for you, H.) that I charred my own damn self over the gas burner, and sweet white beans. This soup may very well save my life. I hope I like it, I made enough for seven brides and seven brothers. Wish me luck and big tips, my friends. When all this is done I'll sleep like the dead.

Last week a customer slapped me on the ass and motor boated my tits. I think that deserves more than 20%, don't you?


Ms. Moon said...

He slapped your ass? What is motor boating tits? Obviously, someone needs to GO TO JAIL IMMEDIATELY!
Oh honey. You DO work hard for the money. I'm glad your toe- and finger nails are all pretty though.
Enjoy your soup.
I love you so....Mama

May said...

Motor boating is when someone puts their face in your tits and rubs it back and forth vigorously and makes a bbrbrrbbrubububrub sound like a motor boat. I exaggerated, he didn't make the sound, and really only the top of his head was on my breasts, his face was just below. But, in defense of my exaggeration, there is no name for that. I was more tired than pissed. That guy has no nuance and will eventually wear out the welcome of everyone in the world. Then he will have no place to go, and his life will be meaningless.
I DID enjoy my soup. It is so delicious. Tomorrow I'm going to pick up some shrimp to go in it. YUM! And yes, all the nails are pretty. I love you so.

Bethany said...

You're so darn pretty.
What a bastard. I'm with your mama, about the jail thing. Sheesh. I didn't know men still DID that to waitresses. Really?
Your job sounds thankless. You are tough. Keep at it. And enjoy your vacation. WELL deserved.
Oh the soup, good for you. It sounds amazingly delicious.
Feel better super fast.

Mel said...

Hang in there May, the soup can only help! Your trip sounds wonderful, hope you get lots of tips between now and then. I wish I was sitting at the next table when the man slapped your ass - I'd have said something or spilled a drink on him. The one summer I worked as a waitress, I got manhandled 4 or 5 times, it was infuriating and sometimes pretty scary, but it was Wyoming, what did I expect?

Your toes are lovely, I feel the same way going for a pedicure! I'm sure they talk in their native tongue about who drew short straw and has to work on the ugly feet. I have the soles of an African bush tribesman, they are not pretty. Your picture is wonderful, you look lovely, just like your mom! Happy VD day!

Steph(anie) said...

I love that photo of you.

Mwa said...

I hope you feel better soon. I have the sickness, too, but if I had to wait tables just now, I think I would cry.

I hope you slapped that guy HARD.

Anonymous said...

May, it's also called a Bbrummppski(same type of onomatopoeia), that boob-face thing. The context for such a maneuver, in public, escapes me.

And if I'd seen such behavior, I would've...
I don't know, but you'd have liked it and he wouldn't have.

Danielle said...

gah..exactly like my week..:-((( i work work work work..and play no fun during the last time for blogging..notb even for reading..i think yours is the first in really read in days..and cioment on in a week because a thousand artickles columns and stories wanna be written..:-/

so..hard working girl..hold will go by...

ps: i really like your glasses

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You are shitting me about the customer. That fucker. What an asshole.

I love you May. I hope you get to feeling better quickly and have a very fun trip. Try and rest up as much as you can. It's tough being on your feet all the time. I remember that shit well.

downtown guy said...

I have to say again that this week's food was particularly delicious. I haven't even bothered with the tortillas, I've just been eating a plate of mexicali rice/stir fry veggies and tofu every night. It's like Billy's nightmare dinner, all veg and no dividing line down the middle of the plate. Also, that fake chicken is remarkably good.

Anyhow, so, want me to come thump Mr. Motorboat? I have my boots on. I'm going to a show tonight anyway, so I'll be nice and pumped up.

May said...

Bethany- He is a bastard, and most men don't still do such things to waitresses. One thing that is nice is that no one likes to serve him and so we all (the staff) give each other a lot of sympathy and bitch time when he comes in. A problem bitched about with sympathizers is a problem cut in half, I say! Thank you for your well wishes!

Mel- Thank you for saying that I am pretty like my Mama! She is my original idea of what beauty is, so it is my good luck to look like her.
I'm with you on the feet. There was an elderly lady there in the chair next to me with swollen patchy legs and knarly toes and I'm sure I was happier to see her than the pedicurist. I thought, "That'll be me in 40 years!" and the that made me happy. Happy that as long as I can get up in the chair someone will be sweet to my feet.

Steph(anie)- Sweet. You are just sweet.

Mwa- I know you are sick and I am so sorry! Waitressing is nothing compared to being a pregnant Mama. You take care of yourself.
I did not slap him, by the way. It surprised me so much I just sort of went, "Whoa, okaaaay..." and then backed away and asked if he wanted another double Grey Goose and soda. That's a $12 drink! Drink 'em up, Dr. Dickhole! Have another! Anything to raise that bill a little higher.

Magnum- So chivalrous! I wish you had been there. I do like to see a man stand up for a woman's honor.

Danielle- Gah, indeed. I have missed your blogging, and I'm sorry that you're so busy and not having much fun. All the work does make the fun more fun in the end though, doesn't it? I envy all those Germans that get to read your columns and articles, and I am honored that you took the time to step away and read me over here. And thank you for the compliment to my glasses, it makes me smile.

SB- Yeah, that dude is a fuckeroni for sure. He sucks at living. Unlike us, who are awesome.
I LOVE YOU SB!!!! You are one of the lights of my life.

May said...

DTG- I am so glad that the food is making you happy. I'd eat it like that too, all mixed together in a bowl. Are you eating your salad? I would use the tortillas to make mexicali rice/veg-tofu/salad burritos. I'll eat anything in a tortilla. I made tortilla chips to go with my soup last night. Slurpy crunchy!
No need for thumping, he's on a downward spiral on his own. Have fun at the show tonight! Lucky Scars?

downtown guy said...

Yep, the salad is a treat! And yep, the Scars and Love In Arms, who are also quite good. Wish you were gonna be there!

SJ said...

You know, an ugly man going to a whore is an absolutely fantastic way to describe getting a pedicure and I whole-heartedly agree. There's just something...weird about having someone else have to touch my feet. I hate feet, and I would sooner die than give I feel like I"m subjecting grave torture on the poor pedicurist.

Or maybe I'm overthinking it. But that's just typical.

And WTF about the motorboating?!? That sounds like one hell of a drunk asshole. But then again, that's more action than I've seen in a month--maybe I should take over one of your shifts while you rest ;)

Petit fleur said...

Good grief! I hope you slapped his vile face! What a creature. And yes, it deserves 100%, groveling and profuse apologies!

I am wishing you luck, big tips and perfect health... and a safe journey to see your friend.

Love love love,
pf ps, I know what you mean about the old man feet. That's me too.

Elizabeth said...

Gorgeous photo. I was going to comment with the question of what motor boating is, but Ms. Moon beat me to it. Gross. I'm sorry you have to work so dang hard and hope your impending vacation makes it all worthwhile!

Jo said...

Of course what everyone else said about the drunken molester and the workingworking and your cold :)

Your soup sounds like a patchwork blanket and this...

but a week to see his face again and find my girl side and serve no man

Yes to that, sister :)

Have so much fun!

Allegra Smith said...

Oh dear, have you heard of carrying either a pitcher filled with ice or a pot of boiling coffee when approaching the toad? (Apologies to all toads since I adore frogs and their families but they are not known for their brains)-

Just look at him and say something to the extent of "please keep your distance as this coffee is really hot" and ignore him and go ahead and trip over an imaginary rock and make sure you aim south when spilling it. Or tell the rest of the staff to do the same. Bastard!
I wish I would have been around when that happened. Easier for another customer to do than for the staff. But if anything like that would have happened when I owned my restaurant I would have come out from behind the rail and he would have learned a lesson he would never forget when he needed to use the bathroom. Nothing like playing amateur Rabbi with one of those morons...

I too love my hands and feet worked on. Lili (spelled like that) has been taking care of me for years and as soon as I am better guess where I am marching to? You look gorgeous and so much like your mother in that photo.

May said...

SJ- Our friend Billy (or Daddy B as he is referred to in bloglandia) also hates feet. He doesn't like to see people in flip-flops, he doesn't even really like it when HE wears flip-flops! But it does get hot here so he just has to deal. I'm guessing that feet just become a product to a pedicurist. It feels so good, you should just go and close your eyes, because you deserve to be pampered.
And yes, you are welcome to work my shifts. Hell, I'll motorboat you if you want, no problem.

Petit Fleur- Thank you, Lovey! Maybe we should organize a lady day where we all get pedicures. You could even have a beer while they do it! That would be fun.

Elizabeth- Thank you, as always. The vacation WILL be worth it! The anticipation is already pretty good. Isn't it nice to have something to look forward to?

Jo- My soup is like a patchwork blanket! What a great way to put that! We sometimes call those crazy quilts, does anyone say that in Ireland? My whole life is a crazy quilt. Thank you for such pretty words, that I can now steal.

Allegra- Hmmmmm, hot coffee on the crotch, I think you've got something there! Also, I can't imagine anything better than if you were the boss. I can just see you setting him straight.
I do hope you feel good enough soon to go to Lili and get loved on. Could she come to you? I would rub your feet, I would be ever so tender. And thank you for the compliment to my photo, we should tell each other we are gorgeous more often, don't you think? It makes me feel so shy and warm.

SJ said...

May, I just read this and absolutely busted out laughing when I read your reply to comment! Ya know, I was waiting for a really good reason to finally get my ass down to Florida, and that offer of a motorboat may have done finally done it :) Ha!

tanya said...

hahahahahahaha! ms moon! hahaha! i just laughed hysterically when i read "what is motor boating tits?" oh my. and then may, your explanation! oh wow. you two are such beautiful women.