Thursday, May 28, 2009

I hope you think I'm cute, because I'm going to talk about my kitten now.

My kitten is like a robot shark. One time, in a bar (Waterworks, for all you Tallatrashy Lackeys) I conducted a survey to prove my then boyfriend wrong, with resounding success. The survey was made up of only one question: "Robot Shark- Made to bite?" The only answer that makes any sense is "Yes". People who try to question this are assholes. What, a robot shark would be made to sneak into enemy HQ? I think not. Scare children? Perhaps, but children are more easily scared than making an entire GIANT ROBOT SHARK would warrant. Make a movie? Yes, but the role would probably be advertised like this: Wanted for movie/ One Giant Robot Shark/ Made to Bite.
         I believe my kitten is made to bite. Her claws are only more razor sharp teeth on the end of her paws. It is not fair for a cute little animal, one that many people seem to think is appropriate to have in the home, has so many teeth in so many places. 
She especially likes to bite my toes and ankles, but perhaps that is just because they are generally down on her level and therefore easy access. I have become more adept at leaping and tucking. She gallomps after me and I trot like a Lipizzaner around the tiny apartment. Making coffee has become an entire Riverdance unto itself.
My ass also, she likes to bite. Because I am not tall and I like to have my feet on the floor I tend to perch on the edge of everything I sit on, including the toilet. I had no idea there was so much space behind me back there, enough space for a kitten to jump up, dance around, and bite me on the ass. I think she sees my ass as the enemy because I allow it to play with the toilet paper and she can not.
When I tell my family about this they smile indulgently and say, "Oh, that is what kittens do!" as if this makes it all okay. But I am no fool, I remember Jagger with his horrible mouth teeth and his terrible feet teeth and he was a grown cat and he was a smart cat and before he ran off with Mama's diamond on the day of the Bruce Springsteen concert, his joy in life was to make us cry over our morning breakfast cereal. I also know Baggy, who is the Meanest Cat in the World, who lives with Down Town Guy, and who makes me curse and spit and bleed.
My kitten is becoming not-a-kitten. She eats like a dog and is getting those chunkamonk rolling shoulders of a lion, even if she still has rabbit back feet. We're going to have to come to some sort of a truce as we live here alone with only a mannequin head named Leto and a ceramic squirrel for housemates. My God! She is biting me right now! If I were not such a pussy myself, I'd bite her back.


Anonymous said...

I smiled the entire time I read this.
You are wonderful, even all kitten bitten.

Maybe you should get her a little bell so you have some warning of impending attack?

downtown guy said...

"Wanted for movie/ One Giant Robot Shark/ Made to Bite"

I might put that on a tshirt.

Also, Baggy approves of this entry.

May said...

RiotGrrlCynic- thank you! And yes, I should get her a bell, but I'm afraid that it might send her into a biting frenzy. However, if you know of a bell that sounds like the impending shark music in Jaws, I will get it.
DTG- If you put that on a t-shirt I will buy one from you. Especially if there is also a picture of a kitten on it.
Oh hey, I tried to google image "giant robot shark", but the results scared me so bad I had to look at images of kittens in teacups while breathing into a lunch sack before I could finish this post. Hence the bad pic of Lupita in furious biting action.
I'm glad Baggy aproves, I wouldn't want to piss her off.

Ms. Moon said...

Maysie- I am so sorry your kitten bites you.
I am so glad you write.
This made me laugh. This made me smile. This made me happy. Except that my daughter is being bitten.
I would buy that T-shirt, too.

Ms. Moon said...

P.S. Don't shake the baby!

downtown guy said...

Who was it that said, "If cats looked like frogs, we'd realize what murderous little bastards they are"?

May said...

Um....You? That sounds like something you would say. Are you quoting yourself? Last night I had a dream where we were going to war the next day and as we were bedding down for the night you called out "Masturbate or copulate for tomorrow we die!"

SJ said...

My kitten is a huge fan of attacking me also, and especially biting my hands when he feels it's time for me to wake up. This usually occurs around 3am. His latest activity is sitting on the way top of my bookcases and staring down at me like he wants me to know who REALLY rules this place. And I think he is right.

And it's really funny, Ms Moon, that up there you said not to shake the baby. Because my own mother once came to my house and I opened the door all stricken and said "I just shook my cat. He pissed me off and i just...shook him." For about twenty minutes, I questioned my whole ability to one day parent.

May said...

Once I shook my sister, but I guess she's alright because now she's having a baby of her own. In my defense, she was not really a baby at the time, more like a little girl.
Has your cat suffered any ill effects from the shaking?

SJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SJ said...

He seems to have recovered well from the trauma. He gets back at me though...he mostly likes to hide under blankets on the couch and reach out to swipe my arm when I walk past--fun for the whole family!

Give your cat a sheet of bubble wrap sometime, if he still has his claws. It will keep him amused for HOURS.

May said...

Oh My God. You are a genius, SJ! That will be tomorrow's fun activity!

SJ said...

I try =) It's hilarious!

Steph said...

"Masturbate or copulate for tomorrow we die!"

Now THAT is a t-shirt!

Ms. Moon said...

Oh my god, May. You are channeling your brother in your dreams!
And as I was trying to fall asleep last night, I was wondering if you've provided your poor little shaken baby with any toys which might amuse her. I love the bubble wrap idea. Also remember the paper bag. And maybe even a "real" cat toy? I don't know. A felt mouse she could torture instead of you?
I could lend you my wind-up hopping chicken.

Petit fleur said...

I love this Maybelle!!! I giggled and giggled remembering all the insane ghosts of fur-balls past!

The bubble wrap sounds FUN. We have a game that our cat loves where we put a sheet over her and tap her butt, then leave her to find her way out. She so digs it. Sometimes she just falls asleep under it.

Ok, now these quotes are killing me! I love the frog one, the shark one and the master/copulate one! That is classic. I will take a size large in all three.
xo pf

honeyluna said...

Why is it that Lily can raise THREE very nice cats (maybe a little too nice in the case of Bogart), but you and Hank make these evil robot kittens? Heh. Did Hank get Baggy from the Flea Market? Maybe that has something to do with it.
When I get a house, I want a kitten to see if I join your team of evil cats of Lil's team of sweet cats. We will see!
Oh and the Hank quote in the dream was just perfect.

downtown guy said...

Baggy was evil when I got her. but she was not a flea market cat. She was part of a feral litter someone found and farmed out.