Monday, August 17, 2009

Three Observations and a Roll Up The Rugs Challenge!

My cat is a crazy bitch and I can't write. Of course, it occurs to me that that sentence would be equally true if reversed.
I have a block. I am blocked. I can't even write in my journal, because the pens are too scritchy and the air is too moist and Tropical Storm Claudette is making my ass hurt and I am on my Period (sorry boys) and because of that I am so puffy, so bloated, if anyone saw me they'd think I just got off a five day bender. I only wish I had knees. You can call me M. E. Puff-in-stuff. I should be in burka, but as I am not Muslim, I am in a dress that is both too short and too wide. It reminds me of the dress Kurt Russell tried to pass off to Goldie Hawn in Overboard that inspired her to say, "I was a short..... fat..... lush?"
Really, the reason I can't write is because nothing is going on with me. I've decided that if anyone asks me what I've been up to lately I'm going to say Oh, you know, bringing sexy back but that is simply not true. I'm unemployed and under stimulated. I dropped off some resumes last week and one place told me to call back tonight so the fantasy is they'll say Yes! We'd love to hire you! You start next week! because I need the job and God forbid they want me to come in tomorrow before the swelling goes down. If they could see me now they'd say Oh, I'm sorry, we just don't have room for the Macy's Day Parade right now, but check back around Thanksgiving! Of course, there's a huge possibility that they will have already hired Boo-Boo the disher's cousin and they'll have forgotten me entirely. There is always that.
So as I have nothing to say, here are some things that I've been thinking about lately:
(1) When you buy trail mix from the health food store it tastes like what it is: dried fruit and nuts. The fruit is chewy and sweety sourish and the nuts are crunchy and meaty. It is delicious and it makes you feel very earthy and righteous, like maybe you are a lumberjack or Jesus or a Lumberjack For Jesus, or maybe a Norwegian. When you buy trail mix from the drugstore or the gas station, no matter what, it tastes like it was made in an airport out of great plastic vats that have been sitting open long enough to absorb a smell of carpet and desperation, and for the fruit to become hard and the nuts to become soft and banal. It tastes as though a donut has farted in it. 
(2) Do you remember those commercials for Summer's Eve (at least I think it was Summer's Eve) where the girl goes to her mother and says, Mom? Do you ever have that.... not so fresh feeling? I think about those commercials a lot. They came out when I was a child and they scared me. I wondered if being afraid of the smell of your own vagina was an inevitability of growing up. Now I know that if you have a not so fresh feeling that can't be taken care of by a shower, chances are you are a skanky bitch. You need to go to the doctor. Really. Also, how vague were those commercials? It wasn't exactly obvious that they were talking about the vagina. If I was the mom I'd be like, Maybe you need to shave your armpits because that is what I do when I have a not so fresh feeling and it works. Those commercials would have sold a lot more douche if they showed only men saying, Bob, I can always smell my girlfriend's vagina. THAT would've sold SHIT TONS of Summer's Eve! Or even Summer's Eve- it's a shower for your cunt! Truth in advertising.
(3) Fashion forecast: Skinny jeans and sushi are on their way out. They will try to sell you last year's skinny jeans but do not fall for it. Chances are you have a butt and some thighs maybe and they make you look like a triangle. Give them to your little brother because even if he is fat, they will look better on him. And he will need them because I think they are going to try to bring back pleated pants, which won't go over well because no one ever liked them to begin with. They have the charm of a belted garbage bag and the added bonus of creating a pocket of moist heat in your crochular area, which may give you a not so fresh feeling and will inspire a resurgence of Summer's Eve and fungal sprays. This may be good for the economy because it will force you to buy things to correct the problems that other things you bought will bring, but that does not mean it will be a Good Idea. Ass shorts will give way to stretch pants, yoga will give way to ballet, and Thai food will be the new sushi, which means that the approximately 425 new sushi restaurants in Tallahassee will be SOL but you can eat all the pad thai you want because you will only look as fat as everyone else in your pleated pants.
Okay, that's it. Three observations are pretty much my max. I'll keep you posted on my possible employment. Hopefully soon I'll have something worthy to write about. Here's a challenge to all who wish to accept: Try to bring sexy back. Report. 500 words or less. Good Luck! (Successes and failures welcomed equally. Roll Up The Rugs is not responsible for any injury due to attempts to bring sexy back. Pictures appreciated.)


Robin said...

Summer's Eve commercials always creeped me out and I lived in fear of finding a not-so-discreetly hidden box under my mother's bathroom sink....fortunately, I never had to suffer such trauma. As for bringing sexy back, I accept the challenge and will try to work my sexy-magic, that is. Pictures to follow.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh my God, May I laughed so hard that tears were squirting out of my eyes and Pearl was freaking out. I'm not kidding you. This is the funniest thing I ever have read. Even David Sedaris talking about The Rooster does not make me laugh this hard.
Sorry, I'm linkin' ya.
I love you!
Your mama

downtown guy said...

Pleated pants are the bane of my existence. Why, for the love of all that is holy, would a fat guy want to look like he has a front butt?

May said...

Robin- I daresay you will have no problem bringing sexy back, as for you sexy has never left the building. However! Ignore that and please proceed!

Mama-As usual you overreact, but I love it, as you know I do! I'm so glad I made you laugh! How's the quilt going?

May said...

DTG- our conversation about pleated pants inspired that. How much we hate them and how ugly they are is precisely why I think they are coming back. Front butt- HA! Pleated pants are funny.

Anonymous said...

Bringin' sexy back? You had me a "skanky bitch".

And yes, when the pit odor is bad, I reminisce about former girlfriends. "Former" due to revealing this clever smell-correlation.

May said...

Ah Magnum! Did most of these ex-girlfriends come from the SAIL alum dating pool circa 1993? Just guessin'.

SJ said...

I am so on my period too - so there you go, further proof of our whole separated-at-birth theory!

I think Boo-boo the disher sounds delish. You should date him =)

May said...

Nice one SJ! If I get the job I probably WILL end up dating Boo-Boo the disher! Seeing as how my dance card generally reads a little like the plaque on the Statue of Liberty, he's right up my alley!
If I don't get the job, how about you come over here and we'll occupy the same menstrual hut, watching movies, eating cookies, and making prank calls? Maybe there could even be a little Ben and Jerry's action, you never know.

Petit fleur said...

Wow May... You are the only person I know that can make nothing to say into an art form. A giggly one at that!

Keep posting about nothing till something comes up. I loved this, and I SO needed the smile today. It's been a shit day mostly.
Thanks for making me laugh.
xo pf

SJ said...

That is enough to make me get on a plane! You had me at prank calls =)

And the Statue of Liberty thing is so seriously hilarious! I laughed out loud and my cat bit me on the arm for being so happy.

That needs to go on a t-shirt, immediately! You will make millions off that and will SO not need Boo-Boo or his stupid-ass cousin.

honeyluna said...

Your clever, silly self is rocking the shit out of writing AND bringing sexy back all at once!

Yeah, I think you should read and record you writings, like David Sedaris does, and give them to me to listen to, because I really think I would get the full crack-upidness from it that way. What do you think?
I'm sure others would buy them too.

I'm certainly interested in where you applied to and I hope to hear good news on the subject very soon.

Love you lots, Missy May.

Anonymous said...

'93? That's what I like about them high school girls; I get older and they...

uh, wait, I just read more of the comments and I'm officially now going to watch sports or racing.

May said...

Petite Fleur-Thanks Sweet Little Flower! I will try to keep writing until something comes up. It's like Mama wrote about today- how beginning is often the hardest part.

SJ- We really were separated at birth! I've been saying that Statue of Liberty thing for years and your the first person to think it's as funny as I do! Seriously, slumber party? You can hold the phone first!

HoneyLuna- Sweetie-pea! Are you feeling better? I'll read you anything you want, anytime. Let's keep our fingers crossed about the job. The guy told me to call him in the morning! And here I was so nervous, now I get to be nervous for 13 more hours!

Magnum- Oh, does all this (blood) period (tampons) talk (cramps) bother (mood swings) you? I don't know why in the (clotting) world it would! Maybe next time, just for you I'll write about the time my pretty blond female friend and I decided to drink coctails and dye our hair only to discover that, since we put the dye in at the same time, we'd have to shower together! Oh MY!

Petit fleur said...

Ok, Harley's asleep so I can tell you what else I really dug... I love the farting doughnut!! And the short fat lush thing.Overboard is a totally underrated movie! Remember the bu bububububu bububu kid who could not stop talking in Pee wee Herman voice? Maybe that could be an idea for a movie night sometime.

Don't get me going on Summer's Eve. I think you speak for several generations of American women and even some men! Good show May!

Joy said...

Good stuff! Your mother was right! Clever!

John said...

I don't know if my back is sexy, but it is kind of fuzzy.

Elizabeth said...

I'm bringing sexy back in a soon-to-forty-six year old body by snorting when I read funny things. And I'm snorting right now.

Ms. Moon was right -- you're damn funny.

Lily said...

Only skanky bitches by Summer's Eve! I know bdecause I work where they sell it. Thanks for the laughs. Love you.

Lily said...

And I meant buy, not by. It is has been a long day.

Mwa said...

You sure can write for not being able to write. I want to buy some trail mix now. Perhaps that's why I've never liked dry fruits. Because I hate doughnuts.

jothemama said...

Ha, the smelly vagina bit is great. Douches would never have sold in Ireland, as there was such a terrible fear of anything you put up yourself. At one point tampons were contraband.

Fat boys do NOT look good in skinny jeans though. Please, don't encourage! :)

May said...

Petite Fleur- Yes! Of course I remember the bububu bubuh kid! If there's anything cuter than a redheaded kid I don't know what it is. That whole movie is hilarious. I like when she has the plates glued to her hands.

Joy- Thank You! My mother IS generally right, but you have to take her with a grain of salt when she's talking about her kids. The woman is loyal to a fault, and as biased as a mother should be. Thanks for stopping by!

John- The challenge is to bring sexy back, not to bring your sexy back. And fuzzy? Hmmm, I would have to see the pictures.

Elizabeth- I think a woman who snorts IS sexy! Get it! And thank you for stopping by!

Lily- I knew what you meant! I hate it when I typo up these comments. Earlier I did a "your" when I meant to do a "you're". Dammit! Anyway, thanks for the validation. You have obviously already brought sexy back, being knocked up and all. Good job! I love you!

Mwa- Never liked doughnuts?! Good for you! I haven't had one in years but I think I would still like them. When I was a kid I thought I would grow up and have a pretty, sunny kitchen with a wooden table and a blue plate that would always be filled with pink frosted doughnuts. I thought that was so pretty. Oh well, I guess there's still time. I do prefer fruit and nuts though, just not the ones from the drug store. Thank you for visiting! I always feel special when you stop by.

Jothemama- Really? Why is there a fear of putting things up oneself in Ireland? I wouldn't mind if douches were banned, but tampons? Did people sell them on the black market? Were you thought of as "loose" if you used them? This is so fascinating to me! As for the fat boys in skinny jeans- I know a few who pull off the look rather well. I don't know how it works, it just does on them. Far better than on me. I certainly like that look better than the jeans below the ass look that some boys sport. What's up with that? Oh well, I'm not exactly the best one for passing out judgment on fashion. I'd be one of those girls in the magazines with their eyes blacked out and the headline "WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?" Anyway, thanks for liking the smelly vagina bit, I cracked myself up over that one. And any more information on the tampon situation in Ireland would be appreciated. I'm so curious!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I loved this post, May. You made SB laugh.

I remember those damn commercials. Inevitably, they came on when your boyfriend came over to watch TV with you. As a teenager, that shit was embarrassing.

I love you, my May May.


May said...

SB- Your boyfriend or your grandmother. Mortification City.
I love you,

SJ said...

I am soooo all for this slumber party!! I will wear pleated pants, and you can too and then we can go out :) All the boys will want us.

Lily said...

Oh and I didn't think you would want to come to the Publix baby shower. I really did not know how it was going to go and if I should subject you to it. However mom and Jessie atleast know these people so it was better for them. We will have a good time at the shower next Saturday. I love you and miss you.

SJ said...

So, what's the latest -did you get the job?? Are we having our slumber party?? =) I had a dream last night that I was with your whole family and for some reason, smoking cigarettes with your mother. And eating some eggs --which frankly, sounds like a perfect time to me ;)