Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Just a little bit of nothing

It's been too long between posts but the words won't come. The words come, but not the connective tissue. Wanderlust. Fall. Raindrops. Waitress. Heartbeat. Love, love, or lack thereof.
I've written for an hour and deleted every word. I feel like the world is in motion now, or my world, my world is in full spin, where it has been stalled for so long. I feel there is a change a coming, but I always feel that when the fall comes.
I like my new job. I like the restaurant, the people, the food. I like the mood of the place, the lighting is forgiving of my oh so recently sedentary ass. If I ever decide that I'm going to take time off again to figure out my life, will someone please knock me down? Please remind me that a body in motion stays in motion. Still, the time off has made me thankful for the movement. I'm sick to death of laying around, as much as I needed it.
But back to work and being busy. The working makes my mind work and perhaps that's why I cannot write. I can't sit still. I walk and paint and clean. I feel the desperate need to clear the dust out of my corners, in my body as well as my home.
The rain is really coming down now. There was no sunrise today. A long time ago I was in Guatemala and my friends and I climbed to the top of the Jaguar Temple at Tikal in the dark to see the sun rise over the ruins. We sat for hours and though we saw the purple flowers and we heard the scream of monkeys, there was no sunrise, just a slow and gradual lightening. So we climbed down.
I'd like to go back there. Who will take me? Who would like to go? I don't think they are burning buses anymore. 
I don't know if it is the motion of getting a job that gives me the wanderlust, or if it is the change of the season that gives me the motion that allows me to get a job, and the coolness of the air through my open nighttime windows that makes me dream of highways, but it is raining and there was no sunrise today. 
Lately I am thinking that I seen so many beautiful things, but those are only a tiny tiny bit of the beautiful things to see. I have seen snow on yucca. I have seen breastfeeding babies. I have seen wildflowers on train tracks. I have seen a toucan in the jungle. I have seen a scorpion as big as a kitten. What is there to see that I don't know is there to see? And so my mind jumps.
I'm going to give up on this tattered post and I do apologize for it. If you live in Tallahassee I invite you to come downtown and float boats down Franklin Avenue with me as I do not work today. We might catch cold, but we might also catch a frog, you never know.


downtown guy said...

I'm so ready for fall. I would sprint for it if I saw it coming.

Ms. Moon said...

Funny- we both wrote about traveling today. Of different sorts.
I love you, honey. Don't catch cold.

Mwa said...

Body in motion. The best law there is.

Petit fleur said...

Hey May,

Good post! I used to get this sudden fear of commitment whenever I got a new job... like, oh, but what if I wanted to just pick up and leave... but unlike you, I never really made that happen. Job or no job. Put that together with fall and you have the makings of a perfect storm of sorts. There is no way to put that feeling into words, it just is.

I wish I could afford to visit you at your new and yummy place of employment. I went to the sister restaurant when we were making stupid money.

Well, I'll say it again. You make "nothing" sound like nobody else can. It's truly a gift of a beautiful mind. And when you do find the connective tissue, you blow us all away with the power of your words.

xo pf. Ps If you wanna stop by, I know somebody who LOVES to catch "toaders" and would really dig a partner in crime! (Usually mommy just winces and tells him to take care not to squeeze too hard! ha!

May said...

DTG- I hear you. As soon as I get my schedule stapled down we can get the walking started back up. Doesn't this weather make you want to walk around?

Mama- Don't worry, I didn't go out in the wet. I actually went back to bed for an hour. I got up at 5:30! WTF! But it was worth it because that nap between 9:30 and 10:30 was the sweetest sleep ever. Now maybe I will walk.

Mwa- Absolutely. You know it. It's unfortunate that for me it's so easy to go from motion to rest but not so easy from rest to motion. Dammit.

PF- Thank you! Don't worry about coming to see me at the new place, I don't have the POS system down yet and people who know me make me nervous. I can't fake it as well with them.
And Harley can catch all my toaders for me. I like to look at them but I'm with you- I don't really like them in my hands.

Steph said...

Fall turns the volume up inside my head. Like my internal dialogue suddenly goes up to 11.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You haven't seen the beauty of the corn and soybean fields in Ohio. Come on up! Ms. Moon and fam have an open invitation.

Glad you like your job. I don't like mine.



honeyluna said...

I'm so glad you like your new job too!
And I promise to try and remember to tell you to never take a break again. Actually, I don't know if I can do that, but I will try if you really want me to.

May said...

Steph- Me too! I wonder why that is. Maybe it's that the season is so fleeting.... Summer and winter settle in and sit awhile, fall and spring are something coming seasons.

SB- You're absolutely right. I have never experienced the joys and wonders of Ohio. I should be ashamed. Someday I will come visit you. And I will pet all your animals. It will be great. You, of course, are always welcome here. You'd even have your choice of houses to stay in!

HoneyLuna-I think the break was necessary, though it went on too long. I don't know if I had a really slow breakdown, or if I averted one. Either way, probably a good thing I took some time off. But thank you.

juancho said...

I will take you. I want to go.

May said...

Juancho- Tikal? Sunrise on the Jaguar Temple? Fresh tortillas and guacamole in Atitlan? Market in Chichicastango? You want to go there?

Tiff said...

I seem to love you a little bit. I mean that in a purely platonic but utterly adoring kind of way of course. Your writing makes me want to do things. Like make pomegranate margaritas, and dance under some sort of Christmas light strung gazebo. That's magic to me. Thanks.

juancho said...

Si. Yo quiero ir alli contigo. Sin duda, pero, en tu corazon tu sabes que es la verdad- duh!

May said...

Tiff- I'm blushing. That's the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. We can love eachother.

Juancho- Duh yourself. And I never really know, not really.

deb said...

I can't believe you apologized for this post.
I was honoured to read your such as it is thoughts.